Foreign to Familiar
Just two days ago I played a very special show—& not because of venue, audience size, or other reasons why one may assume this night was something different than the rest. This night was extra for me because I was playing in 2/3 of the bands for the night and it was one of my bands first shows; The Jett Girls! We had an array of surprises planned throughout The Knee-Hi’s set and into The Jett’s. I had been practicing daily for weeks and while I knew that was paying off from feedback I received from people at the show for TKH the previous weekend, I was still extremely nervous for TJG set.
Andrew and I arrived to the venue like any other time, loaded in our gear from our completely packed car. Grabbed all the merch for both bands, costumes, props, etc and flowed into the venue. We had played this venue last year with TKH and it’s a venue I frequent to see bands as well. In reality this space was very familiar to me. I know the messages written in the stall next to the toilet I always use, I know the photo booth inside and out, I know the back room where music is played like the back of my hand, I know the crowded booths that line the wall across from the bar. Despite all of this knowing I couldn’t help but feel like I was on a different planet. I said to myself, “how strange to feel like a stranger in a place that is anything but”.
This got me thinking; feeling like an outsider has nothing to do with actual relation or familiarity. At times I feel completely lost in the places that are most dear to me; at times I feel like I’m in the company of complete strangers when I’m with my best friends. How peculiar to feel othered by something/one that can also feel just like home.
I walked around the venue and tried to busy my mind; I had prepped so much for the show that I took care of all my waiting time busy work like doing my makeup, writing setlists, and the merch was already set up. This left me with my thoughts and plenty outside stimulation. The bar I so often laugh, dance, and be merry in felt so cold, the voices of people who I share those laughs with mixed together to make a buzzing roar in my head. The tamale guy (Chicago ppl know) came in with food I typically would devour in no time but the smell was so overwhelming on either side of me I had to get up. I was feeling completely out of control. I went outside to try and self soothe with a bummed cigarette. Stupid idea; of course it made me feel worse. So I slipped away to be with myself in the car. I tried really hard not to beat myself up for needing space and silence. I felt like I had just regressed from all my self work and that I was missing out on precious moments. My mind tried to tell me evil things like, “this is why you’re always the odd one out! You do it to yourself.” I sat in silence watching the lightning from the storm approaching. It was a weird night. I was so excited; I had prepped so much. Yet I was sick alone, feeling bad in all kinds of ways. I hadn’t slept much the previous two nights and it was weighing on me. I fought the urge to leave right there in that car. I knew I could— the keys were right there. Instead, I shut off the engine and went inside.
I rushed to the back room where I could listen to the band currently playing in solitude. I just wanted to be alone above all else. Oddly, being alone /actually/ made me feel less alone. Being around people made me feel more out of it. I don’t know why. I always struggled with this my whole life. I figured when I found people more like me I would feel more understood/ included but sometimes I must admit it’s the opposite. Be your own best friend— pro tip!!! At least with myself I didn’t have to explain anything.
I sat in the back room and began to change for TKH set. Just having a task set my nerves at ease an incredible amount. We went on stage. We played our sets. Overall it was a great show. People enjoyed it which is all I can ever hope. Sitting in my car alone before the show, I had just been asking for that. Please, let people enjoy themselves; let me enjoy myself. And I think that was achieved! I did have fun!
Post show, I walked around the bar in my DIYed Jett merch tank top and underwear with fishnets on top. Just strutting around in my underwear like I owned the place. Due to my preshow nerves I didn’t get to talk to many people earlier so I stayed around chatting with all my friends that came out. The other band members had left and our friends were filtering out too. The night was coming to an end. The show was over. The music had stopped. I stood there actually alone in the bar. No one I knew in site (Andrew was loading some things in the car), but in that moment I felt the least “lost” I felt all night. The walls felt familiar again, the buzz of people chatting felt exciting not overwhelming, my beer went down easily, and I had regained my charm and wit while conversing with strangers. I felt like me again and like I was in control of my body & mind. I stood alone for quite some time taking in every detail of my surroundings. I probably looked odd to the new bar comers who hadn’t seen the show. Just some chick examining the atmosphere in her panties, covered in blood. I actually like going places alone and I think in that moment I realized why; I had no one expecting anything of me, I had no one around to feel like I didn’t belong, there wasn’t anyone to be combative towards my existence. I didn’t need to justify myself. I belong to myself. I had no one to do anything and so I did exactly what I wanted to do.
While I took my time studying the scene and thinking about how this place now felt like home again I realized it’s the places and people that feel most like home that have the power to turn it around and make you feel completely lost. It’s disorienting when something once safe and becomes what seems to be a battleground.
